


Still Alive

by elrhiarhodan



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Grief, Loneliness, Longing, Masturbation, Merry Month of Masturbation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-13
Updated: 2016-05-13
Packaged: 2018-06-08 05:35:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 572
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6841096
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elrhiarhodan/pseuds/elrhiarhodan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alone at night, Caitlin tries to find the warmth.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Still Alive

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Day 13 of The Merry Month of Masturbation, for the all-too obvious prompt, "Come". I really wanted this to be SnoWells, but it just didn't want to go there. Poor Caitlin.

Her home is her sanctuary, a place that no one could ever take from her. It bears no memory of Ronnie – she'd moved here after he'd died a second and final time. She'd once thought about bringing Jay here, but as much as she'd thought she loved him, she'd never been able to take that next step.

Now, she is so glad of that.

Her therapist tells her that she needs to give herself permission to feel, to be angry, to grieve, to _hate_ , and then to channel those feelings constructively.

So she signs up for martial arts lessons, boxing lessons, krav maga, too. She runs on the treadmill at a local gym, lifts weights, climbs rock walls. Anything and everything that helps her work out the anger and work in the exhaustion.

Of course, her friends watch after her, ask about her, offer to take her to dinner, to bring over movies and Chinese food and make sure she's okay.

Most of the time, Caitlin accepts those offers because they remind her that she's still human, that the darkness hasn't consumed her – yet.

But she's alone tonight, and she can't fight or run or climb her way into a restful night's sleep. Tonight, her mind weeps and her body aches and she needs heat. She needs to feel alive.

In the back of her nightstand is the gag gift once of her med school friends had sent when she'd told her she was engaged. The accompanying card has a silly note about how she'd still need orgasms once she was married.

Caitlin hadn't intended to keep the gift – a battery operated dildo – but somehow it gets packed with all of her other stuff when she moves and one night, a few weeks after she'd met Jay and she starts feeling something other than grief and loss for Ronnie, she tries it out. She doesn't like it, it's too harsh and too fake, it makes her come too hard, too quickly. 

Now, though, she needs harsh and fake, because gentle and real have always let her down.

She lubes the fake penis up because she's dry as the desert and doesn't want to wait for her body to make this easier. Her rhythm is punishing, hateful. She's trying to climb the wall with broken hands and it's just not working.

Caitlin closes her eyes and summons a memory of something pleasant – her first boyfriend in college, a sweet kid who comes practically as soon as his dick touches her cunt. He's embarrassed but then he finds her clit and touches her with unexpected expertise and she orgasmed so hard she screams. Afterwards, they'd laugh and while they never try to have sex together again to have sex again, they remained good friends all through college. Until he joins the Air Force and is shot down over Iraq.

And like that, desire dies.

Caitlin feels the darkness creeping closer. It's cold and hungry and threatening and she can't keep it at bay any longer.

She pulls the vibrator out of her cunt and tosses it on the floor – it's outlived its usefulness. Just like she's outlived her usefulness. The cold creeps through her body, from her core outward and there's nothing she can do to stop it.

Caitlin curls into a ball and cries and it's the heat from her tears that reminds her that she is still alive, still human. 

For now.

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to follow me at my tumblr [Obscene Circus Ponies](http://elrhiarhodan.tumblr.com/), and on my old school (and much beloved) [LiveJournal](http://elrhiarhodan.livejournal.com/)


End file.
